The build-up to the match had been electric, with both teams confident of victory. Fans gathered in groups of ones and twos as the smell of deep heat filled the air.

Oldies’ Captain Thompson, speaking between applications of ice packs and necking Alka-Seltzer, said, "We gave it our all, but sometimes your body just says no. It’s a bitter pill to swallow, but at our age, just showing up is a victory”. The Final has been rescheduled for the Autumn.

Heywood local, Charles Green, claims to have discovered the face of God in a piece of burnt toast.

There are, of course, many problems with Green’s claim. The main one being that nobody actually knows what God looks like.

That said, whilst nobody can be sure God even exists, what I think we can all agree on wholeheartedly is that, if he did exist, he’d definitely have a beard. And we see no beard here, Charles.

Canning, a self-proclaimed visionary and drinker of matcha lattes, has turned the art world on its head with his revolutionary approach to creativity.

“By selling something you can’t see, touch, or even vaguely imagine, I’m pushing the boundaries of what art can be. And the best bit? You can’t return it, so I’m loaded.”

Want to own a piece of Canning’s art? Simply visit www. invisibleartinexchangeformoney.com and take a non-look for yourself.

Hailed as a technological marvel, the vehicle was expected to zip up and down the A57 with efficiency and flair. However, the reality was far less exciting.

“Frankly, it seems a bit... timid,” said Shearbonce. “It’s lacking confidence and needs to have a word with itself. Can it do that?”

Developers promise improvements in future updates, but for now, Ormskirk’s self-driving revolution seems to have stalled.

When Jimmy Gumley accompanied his grandma on their weekly jaunt to Costcutter for some crumpets and a scratchcard, little did he know that life would never be quite the same again.

“One minute, me and Jimmy were chatting about what we were going to spend our lottery winnings on, and the next minute, I felt a whoosh of wind and a sharp peck on me muffin!"

Tensions grew between Tommy Jenkins and Jack Hunter on the playground of St. Joseph’s Primary after Jenkins declared proudly that his father would be the superior fighter should there ever be a conflict between the two dads.

Whilst reports are unclear if Jenkins’ declaration is factually correct, we do know Hunter’s dad is actually ‘quite handy’.

Micky Flannel found himself at the centre of juicy controversy on Saturday afternoon after an “innocent” mistake, as he examined a plump, sun-kissed satsuma, he blurted out, “I’m thinking of getting this tangerine!”

The Satsuma Society of Stretford quickly issued a statement condemning Micky’s error.

Micky has stated his intention to never eat citrus fruits again, and will likely get scurvy. Which, quite frankly, he deserves.